C'est la vie

I let it fall, my heart

2012-02-07T03:19:00.001+08:00

It's 3AM and I love you .
In two years time, I am going to love you.
12 months ago, I loved you.
When I leave this country, I will love you.
When I live out my dreams, I will love you.
When I am 70 sitting in my big white house, I will love you.
I just hope you are there for me the whole time because, I will love you.

My hands, they were strong . But my knees were far too weak .
To stand in your arms , without falling to your feet.

Let the dust settle

2012-01-29T23:44:00.000+08:00

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger

There were many times I came close to tears tonight . Not because I was exasperated with you, but because I was exasperated with myself . There were truth in your words and at the back of my mind , I knew it .

I'm sorry for pulling you down into my abyss . It was selfish of me, I admit. I know now that I could have made situations better. Maybe I even knew back then . I know you have found comfort in this place, comfort that I have never felt . I am still astray and clearly taken aback. I'm sorry my fragility had caused me to cling on to the one piece of home I felt most tangible. I cannot believe you are still by my side , supporting me, after all I've put you through.

It's time for a change, my friend. It's time for a change.

For the week

2012-01-24T14:05:00.000+08:00

List of people I want to see as soon as possible.

The girls: Shazz, Nic, Lin & Phat.

+ Aaron & Jo, like old times!

Also want to meet:

Jenn Hua, Krish & all the Convent girls :D

To dust

2012-01-24T13:45:00.001+08:00

College. I am, honestly, not having the best time. Maybe because it had just begun, and I am still not well adjusted. Maybe because I feel I will never find friends like I did here, friends for life. One thing's for sure, that is not a good way to start.

I just miss this place so much, yknow? Knowing where every road leads to, places you have laughed, places you have wept, the familiar ground beneath your feet that you call home.

I am afraid of not being able to break out of my shell. I know life is all about change. I said that myself, no? That change is always good. That people that enter your life, comes to serve a purpose. That moving to a new place, meeting new people, they will mold the person you become. Nothing is accidental.

So why am I hesitant? Why is my heart unwilling to accept change? Why am I shutting down, at a time I am supposed to welcome people with my arms wide open?

In desolate moments

2012-01-22T13:47:00.002+08:00

I expected more to come out of this. More honesty, more maturity, just something more.

But like everything that comes with expectations, it often lets us down.

Page 5 of 366

2012-01-06T10:46:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a bad day.

At midnight, instead of me calling my boyfriend, he called me instead, only to hear my little brother say "Aka Amirah is sleeping".

Finally wished him happy birthday at 1 AM, only to get horribly sick at 3 AM, vomiting my insides out for the very first time. Since this is my first time puking (as far as I can remember), I had to jot down how I reacted. My first words after puking was "OMG I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was going to puke. I was going to the toilet but I didn't make it. And ew, this is disgusting".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But really, it wasn't all that funny. I continued to throw up throughout the day, and literally did not eat anything, until it hit a point where I found myself weeping out of pain.

It was a really bad day.

But no matter how bad a day it was, when you find your boyfriend singing Justin Bieber and The Beatles' songs on the other line so that you can feel a tad better, or the excitement brewing in your body of finally spending quality time with your best friends this weekend; you notice how relationships have changed and grown along with you, and that you find yourself better off now more than ever...things aren't so bad. Because in the end, hope, faith and love, it remains.

Happy birthday, sayang. Officially one year older than I am now ;)

Petrifying

2012-01-01T23:38:00.001+08:00

The fact is starting to sink in, and it's starting to cut deep. I'm leaving, like really, even if my boyfriend is tailing me... it's still very much life-changing.

I can't seem to imagine, starting college in 10 days, and Lin would be doing the same, in two completely different places, learning two completely different things. It would be like starting over, without the person you initially started with.

I haven't seen her in weeks. We're getting so emotional about it.

Exhibit A.

AiLin Soh
are you planning to reply? im so sad. you kept distancing yourself from me. why? am i that annoying? but we annoy each other! no? =/

Mia Ismail
- YES I'M GOING TO REPLY. im even sadder. im not distancing myself,
  you are. we're gonna start college in 10 days
- in 2 diff places. learning 2 different things
- and you dont even wanna see me. sad life.
- you're not gonna reply me now? fine.

And then I started seeing it as a whole, and then I realized that from the 10th onwards, I'm not going to see her, or any of my current friends, as much as I'd like to. I find it so damn difficult to deal with Lin's absence for the past 3 weeks...

What's gonna happen to me then?

Mornin', everyone

2011-12-21T12:16:00.000+08:00

I feel the Christmas spirit(!)

also, Lin is coming back!

Close my eyes

2011-12-19T15:34:00.001+08:00

Of wind blowing in my hair, sky scrappers towering over me, tranquility in my bones, warm heat radiating on my face, crisp grass between my toes, sand in my shoes & the smell of the sea.

The infusion of joy brewing in my body as I hear the waves, the thrill of a dive into the wide open ocean.

Wanderlust, settling in my body, searing my heart and soul, once more.

Back to the start

2011-12-17T00:49:00.000+08:00

Hehehehe guess whose back for a second post :B yeah, okay. Sorry, I'm a tad lifeless. Okay, maybe not a tad. Maybe it's pretty severe. Maybe I am really turning into an insipid person. Oh what the heck, what's it to you?

Anyways, guess whose done with school? Hehehe yes! You guessed right! Yours truly :-) (Sorry don't mind me, just woke up from a 3 hour nap). So what comes after school? College.

They say that , whoever says "high school was the best time of their life" has never been to college. At this point, you must be thinking, this post is about how thrilled I am for college, and how every word written will be with full animation.

....think again.

Now you must be thinking, why am I not thrilled for college?

1) I am starting in T-minus 20 days. OH YES. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. In Jan-freaking-uary. /sighh

2) The college my parents have enrolled me into, is situated in a different state, away from civilization, is in the middle of the jungle and oh, wait for it...is a boarding college.

3) The bright side of it all is my boyfriend tailing me to a different state, to the same college. I dare say he is going to be the only friend I am going to have.

I really hope some good come out of this. I hope I feel a sense of jubilation when I'm done. Maybe I really need a serene 1 1/2 years to finally prevail .

But if the world is right , I'll drive all night , meet you there someday.

Almost.

2011-12-16T23:38:00.000+08:00

Trust is not just given. Trust is earned.
Trust is something that builds and gets stronger with the passages of time,
and trust builds naturally.
Not my force.
Not by tremendous effort.

They say that, everything nourishes what is already strong.

That is, until trust is breached.

And when trust is breached...

It is almost impossible to get it back.

Highlight: Almost.

New perspective

2011-12-07T17:08:00.000+08:00

Hi! I'm blogging agaaain. The joy (Y) This is going to be a long one!

I ended SPM officially on the 5th, after a long and winding journey, with a bang! Sheer delirium filling my insides as I bid farewell to my exams with plausibly, the best paper I had sat for. Thank God everyday for not losing hope on Lit :-) The feeling when you know, even if you don't do well, you have absolutely no regrets. On the downside, that was the only paper where the no regrets feeling was aroused. God help me .

Later on, squeezed into a car with 7 others, Tyng on the driver's seat, and headed over to Janani's as a class. Janani is a friend, and classmate of mine. She suffers from multiple diseases, the most severe being Fibromyalgia. I've never heard of the disease, until the day I met her, leading me to google it, like how I google everything. It's undeniably rare, affecting only 2 - 4 % of the general population.

She couldn't sit for SPM, a spot left unoccupied in our exam room. All she craves for is to study and gain knowledge. To cope up with her studies. To go to school and see her friends. To breathe in the outside world. She hasn't eaten rice for more than a year now, and she lives on only vegetables. Being in a place, where nobody truly comprehends her pain.

....and here I am, finding reasons not to go to school. Sleeping my days away. Wishing I didn't need to sit for SPM. Complaining continuously on how I wish I could just stop studying. Refusing to eat rice. Eating too much pizza and ice cream. Pushing away my vegetables.

If I were in her shoes, I would never survive.

Seeing her made me see life in a new light. Some people were placed in our lives to remind us of how fortunate we really are. I always talk about how many things are left unappreciated, I guess, I am just one in the same.

My prayers will always be with you.

The fear

2011-11-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

I feel it creeping, gaining momentum, getting stronger. My biggest weakness, building a nest inside of me.

The thing about being in love is that you are most often blind. It makes you susceptible, open to all forms of feelings; be it the glitter of hope, or simply getting hurt.

Everybody talks about how great love is, the power it withholds; that love is patient, kind and how love is the one sensation that ties us all together.

...but they forget to mention the pain that comes along with love, when you find yourself, falling in love an inch too deep.

No regrets

2011-10-31T21:13:00.000+08:00

It's not about them anymore.

This is about me, and a sense of self-achievement.

Because I have a battle to fight ,

'till then

We lost it all

2011-10-29T17:50:00.001+08:00

Stuck. When I said internal conflict, I really wasn't kidding. Being progressively beaten down by the people who are supposed to be bringing you up, makes me think: what runs through their minds? Are they really that baffled, or are they really (for lack of better word) stupid?

Why do they always expect things I cannot give?

Why, when so many others would be proud to have me, they aren't?

Why do they walk around like they know everything, when they know nothing at all?

What is the point of all the hassle, when all that is left at the end of the day is agony intensified?

Like screaming to the deaf, like trying to show someone who just doesn't want to see. Everything is left unappreciated. As always.

White flag

2011-10-20T22:47:00.000+08:00

I am just so weary of everything . Weary of the perpetual bickering, the undeniably ~~infuriating~~ ignorance, and the foolish folks who are tangled up in whimsical norms. The average person can only endure so much.

I constantly find in me, an indispensable part of the mingled outpourings of jubilation and disenchantment, of unconditional affection and overwhelming exasperation. Always hovering on the brinks of giving up, always the baffling in between sensation that keeps me from completely giving my all or simply waving the white flag.

I want to give up, above anything. I want to just stop thinking you'll come around, I want to accept the fact that they will forever not apprehend, I want to believe that I can live without you holding my hand every step of the way, and above all, I want to put an end to this chapter and turn over a new leaf. But somewhere along the line, I am always pulled back by little pieces of hope.

Hope in the shape of things you say, or things they do, and the love they all provide that I find the most tangible I have ever felt. But is hope substantial enough?

Oh dear , you look so lost

2011-10-17T13:47:00.001+08:00

I don't know how we became from everything to nothing,
don't know how we replaced daily, affable conversations
to fighting off a cold war,
don't know how we turned from best friends to strangers,
don't know how we just simply... forgot.

This world you must've crossed to say , you don't know me , you don't even care

As October dawns

2011-10-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

I've noticed a subtle change in me. Things that mattered to me then, things that clouded my judgments and consumed the insides of my being, they don't matter to me anymore. In many ways, I find myself growing out from all those silly, little things that I once thought was everything, happened to be nothing at all. Subtle, but ongoing, this process is. Change. Or growing up? I will never know.

I constantly try to ponder why I was so worked up when I was younger. Raging hormones? Perhaps. I remember the vague feeling of being insatiable, wanting everything and anything, that it ultimately brought out the monster in me, that I promised I'd never release again, because the remorse? It continuously lingers. Keeping my composure & not letting trivial things get in my way gets easier by the day.

Well, everything seems to be falling back into place. I'm not going to say I'm euphoric, there are still ups and downs in my life, but that's how life should be, isn't it? I'm happy enough. Not euphoric, but just the right amount of contentedness :-) Who wouldn't be, with that amazing boyfriend by my side and the support I have from my friends. The only downside of it all is... SPM, taking over my life. Haih.

'till we meet again.

And again

2011-09-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

I am left to bite the dust .

Within me

2011-08-26T19:08:00.000+08:00

We started drowning,

Not like we'd sink any further...

But,
I let my heart go.

If time was ever on my side

2011-08-24T18:05:00.000+08:00

I’m sorry. To be perfectly honest, I am petrified. I am petrified all the time. I don’t realize how afraid I really am until I am alone and completely detached from the life awaiting me outside my door.
Something about being in the confines of solitary hits me to the core. You know how it feels when you sit alone in your room, and suddenly a flurry of thoughts hits you with full vigour? It all balls up to be one hell of an epiphany.

When you talk about everything you're willing to give, I think...
how much am I really willing to offer?

I am not saying that things have gone awry, or that my love has dried. That actually seems hardly feasible at the moment. Don't you think that I think about what might happened if we lasted, and then wake myself up because I'm afraid I am just giving myself feign hope and chasing a lost cause?
I'm just not ready. I need more time. Why does it always seem like time is never on my side? Right , nevermind.

Happy pictures

2011-08-14T18:14:00.000+08:00

Call me a traitor

2011-08-07T22:40:00.002+08:00

The honest truth is that I've reached a stage where I just can't care anymore.

The world is ours

2011-07-28T21:36:00.001+08:00

I know that I haven't actually been blogging. All these recent posts, are a pathetic excuse of a post. I know. I apologize for that. I always have the urge, the need to blog, but when I am here, staring at the screen; my mind goes blank.

If there was ever a time when I wasn't this absent-minded, please remind me once more. I have been too busy to entertain my emotions, because all I have been feeling is the merry school mode and the burden of the amount of work entrusted upon us.

The most, maybe I have felt rage. Maybe, to a certain extent, I entered a plane of ignorance. The only time I am pensive is when I think about now, and what the future holds. Frankly, I am petrified. If I could be trapped in time, I honestly wouldn't mind.

Imagine, staying youthful forever, in the best age a person could possibly be, the ever so sweet sixteen. Imagine breathing in every sense of security, having not to worry about financial issues and misguided arguments. I have been looking at life in a different light. Because the life I have now, I would treasure forever.

+1 to another pathetic excuse of a post. Goodbye.

I love you

2011-07-24T15:38:00.000+08:00

You invigourate me. You're born with a silver spoon, yet for some reason, you find yourself inadequate. I don't quite understand, when you are blessed with so much, yet you look in the mirror and see just the surface of your being. I wish you could see through my eyes. You light up my days, that gloomy nights are so scarce. My worries like dandelions, you blow each bleak petal away. Your firm hands are the ones that reassure me, the ones that I trust most.

I am the let down. I am the disenchantment. The projection of your faith has been in vain. I know myself well enough to say, I continuously hurt people I love the most, until it reaches a point where nothing can fill that gash of dejection. Even obstinate people like me get weary of the perpetual bickering. All I can offer now is a sappy apology. I am sorry, and hopefully, this is my final one. I won't stop trying, and hopefully, you won't give up.

There are so many things that baffles me . I am young, and I am still trying to learn. I am but a wanderer, finding my way. Nothing but a dreamer finding my dream. But the one thing I know is how I feel , and it is the one thing that assures me that my decision was the best one I had made , regardless of what everyone else thinks. You are worth every bit of backlash and ignorance I had to endure. For some reason I find myself falling more and more, though I find that hardly feasible , that saying I am head over heels would be an understatement .

Maybe the future has different plans for me.
But for now , I am happy.

Fragments

2011-06-14T19:37:00.002+08:00

In this context , I always thought I was wrong.

But when those great bright eyes

flutter across the room

meeting mine

they are all of a sudden vacant.

It makes me resent those eyes.

It is unintentional, yes, but it is consuming

It is regretted, yes, but the despair still lingers

pounding in my head

breaking my heart

into disillusioned fragments.

In this context , there is no longer right or wrong.

I was amiss, and I am sorry

but you have pointed your sword

for way too long.

What's up, June?

2011-06-03T17:32:00.001+08:00

1 month to Thailand

2 months to Senior Farewell

3 months to Raya

4 months to graduation

5 months to SPM

and another half a year to survive.

and damn , I hope I make it .

The broken clock is a comfort

2011-05-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

Everybody drifts apart. It is inevitable. Out of the thousands of people you come across, by the end of the day, you're left with one or two by your side. The unlucky ones wind up with only their own shadow.

Time flies. The world spins. Nothing waits for you. You blink an eye and you suddenly start to feel like you're from the outside, looking in. And there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing you can do prevent it. It just happens , and all you can afford to do is accept it and move on.

That's how the world works. It gives and suddenly takes it back. It makes you feel so attached to someone, and then wake up to look them in the eye as strangers. Everything breaks. It shatters. When it rains, it pours. It's this perplexed overwhelming journey that we're all on , and we're all just trying to learn how to live.

I hope you dance

2011-05-21T17:58:00.013+08:00

Sometimes I look back and I laugh.
Fate is such a funny thing.

" Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. :-)

Into the rush

2011-05-15T17:20:00.000+08:00

My wanderlust is back . Take me away , anybody ?

The weight of a heavy world

2011-05-14T22:46:00.002+08:00

It's heart-rending. When you look at something that holds so much promise,

& realize that no matter which way you turn, life is going to break it down.

Goodnight , world

Rolling in the deep

2011-05-07T22:22:00.002+08:00

Fine. 4 letters, one word. It's one of those words you say when you give in, a sign of accepting defeat. One you blurt out with pure exasperation when you know you've lost your own game, or maybe, simply weary of all the endless arguments and discontentment, that the time has come for you to just stop, because you know, you can't take it in any longer.

Cold and icy; this war. It has clearly torn us apart. I was a fool, and currently, manifestly aloof. Through everything, I have to say, maybe I lost myself in this perpetual whirlpool. Maybe my mind was abstracted, and my thoughts brought me away....maybe.

But what else have I to say? Has it ever crossed your mind that this wasn't what I had planned for myself either? That everything that's happening is so fast, it's as baffling for you as it is for me? That some things just happen. It just does. I know it's a bit much to comprehend, but divine intervention is a twisted thing, and it works without a sense of policy.

That I would give you the world to say I'm sorry, but I know to you, it wouldn't be enough to fill the emptiness between us. That sometimes I wonder, maybe, if I do come off that irksome and desperate, I should just stop trying.

So now I'm saying, fine.

Bleak

2011-05-05T00:04:00.000+08:00

If I were a colour , I'd be one of those that can't seem to blend
The one that leaves unruly stains,
the one you wish you could erase.

Or possibly one of those colours that fade to the background ,

the one that endeavours to catch your eye,

but inevitably, makes no difference.

" Masuk tak penuh, keluar tak kurang ", no ?

What are words?

2011-04-18T14:53:00.000+08:00

Let me just start by saying , Happy Birthday Iz. I can't even begin to express how much love and gratitude I have towards you. I hope you had a great time on Friday night :) ♥

Time and time again I find myself feeling lost and empty, suspended on the brinks of that familiar abyss. I feel like an utter failure, especially in these subtle remote moments when I enter a plane of solitude, ripping apart every hope I have left for myself, reaching out for hands that no longer remain. It's like waking up to greet a world that has you and only you in existence.

I can't put this inexplicable feeling in words. I miss a lot of little things, like calling up my friends for no apparent reason, being able to just have long hours of conversations with them about anything and everything without having to constrict my speech, just the comforting knowledge that if I were to fall, somebody would be out to catch me.

I just don't have that privilege anymore, and I have only myself to blame. No matter how much I try to keep pace with everyone, time just isn't on my side. I just wanna rewind, rewind, rewind.

Breathe again

2011-04-06T01:43:00.002+08:00

3 very significant things that happened today:

1) There was an air of heightened excitement today in school. Speaking of which, this year's Charity Talentdinner will be great :D

2) The word of a friend intensified the wound that was already so deep. I guess I don't fancy being lied to. Who does?

3) I said no, to a love that I have been fighting for, way too long - for my own good.

And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry , anymore

What can I say, I miss your eyes, nothing more

2011-03-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

More than a love song can give

More than a feeling like this

More than a dimmed light upon the path you walk

More than the words can explain

More than the falling rain

More than the sun shines upon

Your lovely face.

It's a shame, I'm a dream

2011-03-25T16:11:00.003+08:00

I could follow you to the beginning

Just to relive the start

And maybe then we'll remember to slow down

At all our favourite parts

Sighh, it amazes me how frail I am, sometimes .

Me against the world

2011-03-25T15:42:00.006+08:00

Have you ever done something so wrong, and felt so right?

To a point when your vision starts to blur, and before you know it , you awake to find one feet dangling at each side of the line that separates wrong from right.

Conflict . When it arises, you realize that every choice has its pros and cons. When you try to weigh each side, you realize that no matter what your brain decides, your heart decides to go off in a huff in a totally opposite direction.

But this time, I'm not going to let my heart win. This time, my decision is final.

This time, my brain wins the fight.

Take all that I have

2011-03-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

I wept. I wept like I'd never wept before, because it stung. It stung in ways I never thought it would. It stung my brain cells, my muscles, and inevitably, it attacked my heart. You were right. You're a tumour. I just never thought you were malignant.

I couldn't stop the hot, thick opalescent tears beaming down my cheeks. It tasted of regret, of guilt, of fear, and what hurt the most was it tasted of love. The unwavering love I failed to admit. The one that has sidetracked my mind, anticipating the day I don't turn a blind eye to it, the one desperate for me to notice.

You see, when you live in denial of a certain sentiment, it eats you inside-out. The longer you blatantly ignore it, the more it grows, spreads, and before you know it, you find yourself flailing, sinking under.

I should have known better. I should have been able to sort out my priorities from the very beginning. I should have known that this was all an illusion of the mind. I should have know that I was, I am, merely the perfect antidote to a lovelorn soul. Most of all, I should have known, that some things are better off a dream.

Nobody sees through the eyes that have seen

2011-02-17T22:24:00.002+08:00

Denial

is a defence mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.

At first , I thought it was a temporary sentiment affected by my own irrational state of mind. But the more I undermine the situation, the more severe it got. It's like I am playing with fire, it just hasn't burned me.

Yet.

It's true

2011-02-10T22:54:00.003+08:00

I am lost.

Me and my heart , we got issues

Stop stealing my heart away

2011-02-06T20:00:00.003+08:00

I don't know what made me do it, but I did. What made me choose you over them, I will never know. The side effects of these amorous imaginings has hit close to my heart, and it leaves me utterly baffled. I seek for comfort and proof that I have not gone completely mad and the one comfort I finally settle for is in your arms.

What is wrong with me ? It's as if I already know that I am wrong but I still leave that piece of knowledge uncared for. When will that beast caged inside my heart rest its thoughts and leave it to my brain to decide , for that's the part of me that signifies wrong from right.

What am I playing at ? When will I learn to comprehend that although love is present, I will never catch your eye? I'll always be at the background, the shadow beyond the doubt. Hmm.

Maybe its the way you move, you've got me dreaming like a fool

Astray in my world's affairs

2011-01-28T18:22:00.001+08:00

Havebeenbusyupdatingeverythingexceptmyblog.

Please click:
Flickr
Tumblr

Merci , mon amour :)

The tragedy; it seems unending

2011-01-26T19:11:00.002+08:00

It could happen to anyone . A wrong turning to a derelict lane, a split-second stare could land you in deep trouble. Or in my case - a wounded, emotionally broken boy one room away. As if more catastrophe could happen in this household.

What more can I do ? When our eyes meet, there is nothing else he has the heart to say. All you can do is weep and surrender until you find a way out. Until those wounds heal. Until, one day, if possible; everything is nothing but a memory embedded in a scar, with its own story to tell.

Where are those hearts that care? Where are those hands supposedly coming to the rescue? Where are those young minds that are supposed to be the future, when all I seem to witness is bloodshed. Bloodshed here and there , bloodshed everywhere .

Do you notice? All around there are only disillusioned eyes. I ponder how on earth anyone expects me not to feel disheartened. I am after all , only human. Frail and vulnerable .

They say its misfortune. But honestly, it could happen to anyone. It could even happen to you.

C'est la vie

2011-01-21T14:13:00.000+08:00

There are times, when one person can make your whole day turn around. There are times, when the infusion of joy brewing in your body feels so intense, you feel like you would never let it fade.

C'est la vie

But there are also times , when you realize there are more bad times than good ones. There are times, when those subtle blissful moments just can't erase those unforgivable mistakes. A time when bad times, overshadow the good.

That's when you realize, life isn't always as easy as it seems. And some people, you are just better off without .

Come with me , there's a world out there that we should see

I never knew

2011-01-15T01:48:00.000+08:00

Everyone I knew was waiting on a queue

To turn and run, when all I needed was the truth.

Let's rearrange, I wish you were a stranger I could disengage

But that's disregard

Find another friend and you discard

As you lose the argument in a cable car.

The last first day of school

2011-01-05T22:05:00.000+08:00

The term resumes. I woke up a tad late, (no surprise there), rushing through the buzz of a blue Monday morning, watching the opalescent sky. Passing into those red gates with a paroxysm of nostalgia, thinking, everyone is a year older. When did that happen?

And then I saw it. Oh my, hideous as ever. My eyes burn, the scent stings. Out of nowhere a strong urge to vomit emerges. All those marks concealed behind paint in hues of orange and yellow. What a disgrace, eww.

Then I saw them, those familiar faces I have come to love; reunite. We hold one another, and I smile as I witness us all intertwine, for the very last time, on the first day of school.... and the day continues.

" The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering. -Okri

This Christmas

2010-12-22T19:07:00.004+08:00

I'm glad you're glad , because honest to God speaking

You deserve the very best

and I was not it .

Maybe you didn't see it at the time, but I did

Maybe someday you'll find the will to forgive me entirely , but for now

Thanks for finally removing every trace of guilt I once had

just in time for Christmas .

Good day .

There is a world inside of me

2010-12-15T23:02:00.000+08:00

Hi , its been awhile . I've been a busy bee, apologies but December has been frantic ! With 4 birthday celebrations, day out with the orphans, hunting for the perfect phone & camera, District International Conference, my trip to Singapore, Christmas and my other trip lined up next week, well, there's not much time to spare, not even for Facebook.

However , it hardens my heart to look at this inactive blog, after all my effort of trying to keep it alive, it looks like its at death's door -_- So , I promise I will fill you in with everything that has happened during these December days with the little free time I have in my hands, one post for each eventful affair, even if it requires me staring at the screen for hours to come. Its so hard for me to even pen down this post, imagine the other posts. I have much to say about everything , especially the conference.

On a different note, it also seems that I have not only been disengaged from cyberspace , but also the TV . I finally got to watch The Amazing Race Asia finals today, which I have been dying to watch for quite some time now, and yes, THE RICHARDS ! ♥ It was always meant to be them who took home the prize ;-) I've been out a lot these days, capturing a lot of photos, hence I take an oath to use more of my pictures for my blog posts , starting... the next time I blog. Hehe :D

Oh yes and, I miss my bo, seems like forever since I last heard from her.

i’ve got a mind that’s as wild as the sea
and strong enough to swallow up
the very thought of you and me
it’s so easy to drown when you’re under already
so save your life preserver to save a life that’s worthy
i’m as wild as the sea
so don’t try to tame me

Watson

2010-11-29T16:46:00.009+08:00

I. AM. IN. LOVE.

That exquisite beauty, that stunning outfit,

and a straight-A student ? Perfection.

Footprints in the sand

2010-11-29T14:25:00.002+08:00

I miss hearty smiles & hysterical laughter.

I miss the very last moments of school.

Dreary, yet we spent every waking hour together.
I miss the foursome.
I miss 4N.

I miss everyone. ♥

Isn't it sad when you notice , the best days of your life is over

Because they say it, so well

2010-11-25T14:17:00.002+08:00

"I love you, happy sweet sixteen. I'm not even near perfect, but my heart wants you, I want you. I'll always be yours, even when the sun stops shining. You're the best I ever had. Thank you, may God bless you and your wishes come true. I know mine did, two years ago... by having you. ♥ " -Iman Shukur

"Through everything that has transpired , only two words can sum up to how I feel , Thank you. Thank you , for being my best friend , and I could never ask for more. They say , true friendship is never serene , and I guess, it never is . Through everything that has transpired , thank you , for still being here . I love you ♥" -Shazana Abd Hapiz

"We shared smiles, we shared tears, and through the years, our friendship has grown along with us, you are truly a wonderful part of my life! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIA ISMAIL ♥ may god bless you, love you always." - Izzaty Zawidi

".. and this is for you

for being a bimbo, calling me stupid, laughing at my pronounciation, thinking i've the down syndrome kid face, saying things straight to my face, being fo funny, having such a funny way to tell chand and i you need to go to the toilet (100% pure bimbo style), being extremely mean to me, walking off when i'm singing, having no feelings, being a robot, laughing weirdly, laughing at everything, etc .

and most importantly, for giving me something worth remembering in my form 4 schooling days and playing a part in my life . Happy 16th Birthday Bim, love you ." - Soh Ai Lin

"Happy Birthday Mia! The one thing I will forever remember by sitting beside you for a whole year is that you are a GIGGLE-BUM. Giggling the same giggle at every blooming thing. Nothing bad though, k. Well, happy sweet 16th! See you soon!" - Ong Lih Tyng

The best things in life, are not things

All that glitters are not gold

2010-11-18T14:40:00.000+08:00

In the glitter of that remote summer night, the opalescent firmament was a dash of orange, violet and inky blue. The waves of the sea were an arabesques of glistening water washing up the shore. Your dark skin was aglow in contrast with the vivid ambiance. The sand was pure and genuine, alike our hearts. Your voice - a deep, sonorous note captivated me and your sibilant whispers left me dazzled throughout the deep, black night.

It was sheer ecstasy. We both perspired battling the hot, vehement night. I caught a whiff of your scent that mesmerized me into another world, compelling me to stay. My red lips viciously stained yours in a static, amorous moment in time.

Before I could compose myself, an inevitable paroxysm of passion took over me through the prism of my senses. My heart leaped with every beat of your heart, every touch of your skin. Almost immediately I was madly, crazily, frantically falling in love with you and nothing could come in between me and this new-found obsession. Call it an infatuation, perhaps a tad more...

Wicked.

The world - Insidious & fraudulent

2010-11-18T13:42:00.001+08:00

She was a taciturn girl. Captivating, yet clearly aloof. Was she a sinner? Yet to be known. What was her crime? Mendacity.

Had she played her part in repairing the world instead of intensifying it's parlous state, maybe she would be free. Misunderstood, maybe? Was her actions a result of a paroxysm of guilt? Anger? Sorrow? Maybe. But one thing's for sure, she was a rare beauty.

x

The paradox

2010-11-16T17:39:00.003+08:00

Change is a cycle. They say it is a mean, iniquitous one, yet I beg to differ. Have you ever noticed how when one person changes, it changes you, and in turn the change in you changes someone else? At some point, everyone changes. It is just inevitable. Even I can't say that I am the same now than I was a year back, or even a few months back, because I'm not.

It is hardly feasible to not encounter people who are going to let you down, people who are going to deceive you and people who are going to enrage you. The heartbreakers, the backstabbers, the liars. Thank them and move on. They've played their part in building your character. Even if it takes some time, thank people who have hurt you. Thank people who have made it hard to live. Thank people who have made you shed all year long, and never look back at them with acrimony and regret.

I know I too, have played my part in changing the life of another. I know I might have hurt others, and I have lied, and I have broke hearts. Do I wish I could take it back? Yes. But if I could, would I? Probably not.

Stop regretting things and learn to accept it as it is. Stop getting so upset when you realize the change in another. Look at the glitter of change. The effect it has had on all of us.

Because if you ask me, it's one of those things that are larger than ourselves.

Rude awakening

2010-11-15T15:28:00.004+08:00

Honesty
refers to a facet of moral character and denotes positive, virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness, and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating, or theft.

At first I thought you deserved to be forgiven, even if you did give irrational explanations to justify your actions. Everyone lies , almost everyday even if it just a subtle white lie. But it started to get more severe , and before I knew it , it got out of hand . How many chances can a person give ? Sorry to burst your bubble, but there aren't any more I can grant. You make promises you can't keep. I wonder how much more I can take , before I let all hell break lose and leave.

Wanderlust

2010-11-12T00:21:00.004+08:00

I honestly think I am suffering from a mild case of wanderlust . And a tad bit of a need to get out and shop . There are times when it is all I ever think about , from celestial gardens to electrifying rollercoaster rides + the aroma of clothes in mint condition , ahhhhhhhhhh the compulsion is intense ! A vacation and a shopping spree tops my list of things to do the minute school break starts, for sure :-)

I want to toss and turn in the middle of Paris ,
Witness splendour through my naked eyes.
I want to slide on rainbows ,
Kiss raindrops parachuting from the sky,
Run free with the horses
and wink at butterflies ;-)

With tired eyes, tired minds

2010-11-10T16:27:00.001+08:00

Mind, scattered

Heart, empty

Dreams, shattered

World, fractured

Body, exhausted

Soul, uninspired; but

So long as I shall breathe,

So long I am obliged to live without ease.

These constant pricks of muscle fatigue aggravates me. Sleep deprivation isn't being much aid, either. I drafted this post out during my PJK paper (jobless). It is the 9th, the moment I can finally breathe again...
but I am drained, head to toe.
The short span of holidays have been hectic(!)

I guess that's just what you get, when you spend 3 days straight
Laughing jumping screaming running
Getting home during wee hours and waking up at the break of dawn.

I am off to the comfort of my bed, the solace of my pillow,
no matter how worn-out I am , it was all worth while.
& to the boys and girls that lit up my life, I am forever grateful.

Again, Mia?

2010-11-09T16:22:00.001+08:00

Just don't know why I tend to re-read everything so much :')

It is so lame, when I notice that a millions posts are solely about how excruciating exams were when I was young, and that I am undeniably, still that lame. I aced both Chemistry & History , but just like trying without tasting , it is unsatisfying.

The poignant sensations, times when I was cantankerous, even the delusional moments, all articulated in words. I am unmistakably driven by emotions, but then again, who isn't? I really love this blog, like way too much then I really should, but who can blame me? It is after all, bits and pieces of my memories, things that I have felt, my point of view.

Have you ever noticed how fast time flies ? Like it was just yesterday I had been at such a tender age, so naive, so disengaged from life as I know it today. This year has been the best, no doubt. Countless mistakes I have done, and when I look back, I realize....

Hearts have been mended. We all grew older. Things have never been better.

"Yes, I know we all wish we could. Rewind time like we had hands of god. The colour of age, its like old newspaper dipped into time.

We all have bad times, the moments where we sink in swirling despair, and know that when we make it through, we'll learn that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."

My sin, my soul

2010-11-03T22:25:00.000+08:00

I just, can't comprehend. Where is that lost soul I once loved? Was his existence ever genuine or was he just another form of feign affection? I once thought that we could be movers, both of us. That some things are everlasting, such thing as, undying love regardless of appearance and age, perennial as night and day. But the changing fortunes of time has got me unraveled and baffled.

Where are you? I thought we were a match. That we completely defined one another. Was I amiss? Because it seems like, the ever-changing mind we both posses have got us leaning towards different sides, crossing different boundaries. But what more can I do? It seems as if as hard as I try to contravene gravity, it has got me to abide. The more I try, the more hopeless it seems to be. I can't help the fact that we no longer see things in the same light , although it was us who heaved each other out from dark imaginings and into the beam of a new day.

It seems as if we both have lost the ability to aspire one another, be the one that stands out of the crowd. Our shifting lives have tragically pushed down our relationship into a spiral of confusion. I no longer have the vigour to win your losing fight. I can no longer withstand the sleepless nights. I can no longer put on a blatant face and act as if your actions don't leave me mortified. Ignore the fact that I am tainted in people's eyes. I can no longer fix your mistakes and right your wrongs.

I guess everything races until it hits a breaking point .

The festive season has got us wearing smiles

2010-11-02T23:17:00.003+08:00

I hate everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who have posted pictures in their Halloween costumes, especially the super chic ones. I really was in high spirits to pick a costume this year, but well, exams have a malevolent way to shatter fantasies. If you were one of them, alike me, lets share our despair together.

Alice

and personal favourite....

He just looks terrific, doesn't he? Okay I'm starting to sound "slightly dotty". Oh yes, if I even need to state the obvious, Literature paper didn't only kill my hands but it took me down as well . Way to end the examination season. The rest of the day frittered away, I was a tad bit too ecstatic for my own pleasure, it was just so dreary , and time went ticking away so slowly...

Like tick, tock, tick, tock. *cricket sound*

Well, now that the drought of fun is over, it is time to rejoice :)

Heaven yields a free ambience

2010-10-30T12:52:00.004+08:00

and nothing feels more divine.

Things to do the moment these dreadful examinations end:

Scream.

Hug someone.

Eat an enormous amount of food!

Go home and soak in the bathtub.

Dress up and go out for a pleasant lunch.

Read a book. (Notice my currently reading section to be stagnant?)

SLEEP. And not waking up at four freakin' am

with the rotten sensation of guilt running down my spine

and sheer horror flooding my face of haven't touching a single educational book.

Outing with my girrrrrlfriends.

Sell my clothes, since half of them are wasting away...

ULTIMATE SHOPPING SPREE!

Re-design my room.

Go to the saloon, ~~chop~~ of my bangs.

Paint my nails :-)

Take pictures! (I am such a girl -.-')

Appreciate others.

Laugh more, smile more

and learn to love myself more, 'cause deep inside...

I know I'm worth it.

Nothing but a washed-up dreamer

2010-10-15T20:34:00.002+08:00

; Hiatus

Update:
1) I actually ~~sold~~ my Paramore ticket, hopin' that prevails.

2) Am back on tumblr :D http://fancyflights.tumblr.com/

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, how monotonous life has become.
Anyways, pray I do not die of a massive panic attack due to examination anxiety.

Will be back on the 9th,

'till I can finally breathe again.

Memories, emblazoned in my mind

2010-10-06T15:00:00.002+08:00

Just gonna warn all of you that this is a really selfish post . Heh, so keep your opinions to yourself.

Walk the line

I long to be forgived, but never forgotten. I wish I would have just paused at those luminous days on the field. Everything was brighter then. I wish I would have just taken things slow, taking in every little bit of memory because I knew at the back of my mind it was never built to last.

I know you despise waiting. I know you've moved on. I know I am no longer significant.

I loathe having to share you with everyone else. I wish for there to be none of these people, none of these long hours spent with your presence, tolerating unspoken words, treasured memories, pretense. I wish for there to be only you and I in existence.

Why can't you see past my facade of happiness ? No, I am not happier without you. I am still that same girl. I wish you would just cut me some slack and hear me out, even if it is just as a friend because I wasn't lying or confused or whatever you might presume when I told you I loved you.

Bottom line is I miss you, in ways no one would ever understand. Its like seeing without watching, trying without tasting, hearing without actually listening. Everything built from flimsy assumptions. I guess that's why this is just so hard for me.

Rejuvenate me, anybody?

2010-10-01T12:56:00.004+08:00

If you're asking for some sort of explanation, I have none to offer. There is absolutely no rational explanation to why I feel this way. I have been asking myself repetitively, but nothing. Nothing can explain why there are times when I am adrift, and I become unresponsive. Nothing can explain why I do not mix around with people around me lately, and nothing can explain why I keep everything to myself.

Its like my mind body heart and soul stopped working all together. Its like I just want my life to stay just the way it is because adding more people to it would just complicate things more. In the end, its just going to be that same rotten story. Once again I'm going to touch on world-fatigue, because if you ask how I'm doing, there is only one word that would cross my mind - tired, and my body isn't the only worn-out one.

I'm tired of having to pull it together. Tired of having to compromise so that we can live happily ever after, tired of all the misguided arguments, tired of trying to stand my ground when no one even listens or cares for that matter, tired of the hustle, tired of entertaining lovers, tired of beating myself up, tired of having to rise to the occasion, tired of being judged, tired of being under appreciated, tired being stepped all over because hey man, in the end I am just me.

If that's not enough for you, then that's too bad because I'm going to do absolutely nothing about it.

Safe to say, I am dead. Inside.

In the words of 4N

2010-09-30T19:57:00.001+08:00

The most important thing is:

Don't compare.

I wish I had the strength to see that sooner

Sounds like broken records playing over

2010-09-29T18:27:00.000+08:00

Where you going ?
I'm leaving you !
No you ain't, come back
We're running right back

'cause you don't get another chance

Life is no Nintendo game

But you lied again

Now you get to watch her leave out the window

I guess that's why they call it "window pane".

And I promise you ,

2010-09-22T21:17:00.001+08:00

The best is yet to come .

Pure morning

These past couple of days has been rather chilly, hasn't it? I have turned into a frostbite. Anyhoos, my apologies for all the previous gloomy posts. But never fear, my frown has turned upside down simply because the term has resumed. It's good to be back in school. Nothing fails to lighten the mood more than a strong dose of 4N :-) and nothing could compare to a laughing fiesta with ze girls. I swear, nothing makes me more content than my zany friends. Hurrah :D

Speaking of which , I must say the boys have played their parts brilliantly as well. Applause, applause. I guess I never knew I would be so blessed with friends like these . I never knew there could be people who were free from hypocrisy. I guess I never knew it is the ones that pull my hair and take every opportunity to make a mockery of me that would one day come to the rescue when I hit a losing streak. More reasons to thank the one above :-)

Oh and before I forget to mention ,

Today has been the first of my many productive days, woohoo !

Now tell me, what more could I ask for?

The aftermath

2010-09-19T00:24:00.002+08:00

This one's for you , Iman. Please promise me you'll read every word and bare with me because I know it's lengthy. So everyone else, stop reading ! :P

Maybe I do not gag at your photos and I do not parade my affection towards you, but that does not mean I love you any less. That does not mean I am ashamed of you, and that does not mean I desire someone else's company. I know I have more say in our relationship, and if all else fails, it will all come down to be due to my own imperfection.

Thing is, you undermine your mistake. Two weeks might not seem short to you, but those two weeks I had to endure was the longest in my entire life. I was jolly that day you know. I had just returned from participating in the Law of Olympiad, I even got to catch a movie after that, Inception, my favourite movie to date. It just had to be that night where you dropped the bomb on me, and I faltered.

I remember the sleepless nights . The extensive absence in school because I just couldn't bring myself to face anyone else. I remember flunking my tests because I was so bloody sidetracked. But mostly, I remember tears and how much my eyes, my nose, my head and my heart seemed to pound so hard that exhaustion simply took its course to close my eyelids. I remember tearing up at places where people would stare at you as you stood there sobbing uncontrollably, but I was powerless to stop myself.

I remember texting Shazana at all times of the day because I didn't want you to detest me more. I blocked out everyone , broke someone's heart in the process just to fix our relationship and you replaced me. You knew how much self-esteem issues I had and you swept me away, watched as I flounder, like the dust on your shoulder. You treated me with sorely nothing more than genuine distaste. Like all of a sudden, you opted to consign my name to oblivion.

All in all , rejection took the prize. Rejection was the ultimate monster that pierced me inside. You left me to face myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye and blame myself for everything that took place. I spent murky nights asking myself, why wasn't I adequate? Do you know how it feels, when all is rotten and you think it is due to yourself not being good enough? Like maybe if I was prettier , maybe if I was smarter, maybe if I was funnier - I would not feel this way.

But that's not the case now, is it ? Even if you claim that it has been a whole two months since it happened, it still haunts me everyday. I suffered from repetitive dreams for a month, stared into utter blankness and out of nowhere, I would start to weep. I was already insecure to start with, and you were the catalyst to my breakdown. So please don't expect things to just revert back to normal. Please don't expect me to be in shape for committing myself to a relationship at this precise moment because that wound has not healed and time hasn't fulfilled its duty, just yet.

I may just be another feeble minion, but I also need to be handled with care. And boy , you should consider yourself lucky, because I could have just ran and never looked back.

This is just the aftermath.

Speechless

2010-09-18T20:01:00.000+08:00

" The worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and you know you could never have them. "

And for the past few days, I have been feeling the exact same way, and let me tell you , world , it is indeed the worst way.

World-fatigue

2010-09-17T16:25:00.003+08:00

Do you have any idea what it feels like to have to tolerate your injudicious commands in order to satisfy your vanity ? Look . I know I might not rise up to your expectations, I know at times I am a tad insolent, but you've got to admit, I am always in good composure. I cause you very little trouble because I just don't want to make things more complicated that it is. But this is how you treat me ? Do you think it is fair to leave me here with surpressed feelings ? I thought of all people , you would understand. But guess again, you are just as baffled as everyone else.

Then there's the unhealed wound. I know that you could never mend a broken heart overnight, but to leave me bleeding ? Leave me to lock myself up in a hotel closet, crying my heart out while my family were in raptures, enjoying the pool water outside ? I thought you would at least have the decency to earn my forgiveness, after all that we've been through, it is unbelievable that you have the heart to leave me halfway. Thing is , mistakes don't erase themselves . You could atleast right your wrong, but in the end you exist as proof that all men are imbeciles.

But some things I admit, were solely my recklessness and me . As always . Having so much concealed beneath my skin, it was all just so bloody excrutiating. I couldn't constrain myself. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I held myself accountable for all the flaws I had. I annihilated the little self-esteem left in me. I hated ruining the mood. I hated putting on a sappy face. I hated feeling so unworthy. Nothing hurts more than drowning yourself in self-pity . It all just got so out of hand , I'm starting to wonder , how much , is too much?

'cause honey I'm so tired of hovering ,
in the end
we all are what we don't see.

But all good things must come to an end

2010-09-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

Senior's Farewell Party

Just imagine, next year our juniors will be throwing us a party.

Guess it just hasn't hit me yet that next year will be our last year in school.

Better live it up .

Sizzle baby, sizzle

2010-09-02T19:22:00.000+08:00

I would hate for sparks of resentments as I say I told you so, but dreams do come true on a daily basis. TOLD YOU SO!

I know I'm going to come off as a tad bit fanatical, but man have my prayers been answered. As cliche as this is going to sound, I might be one of the biggest fans of Paramore, and to make this whole post sound even more cliche, I know all their songs by heart ♥

Paramore

I am beyond excited, I almost could not care that their show lands one night before my finals.
Wow.

But come on, can you imagine, setting eyes on the sterling Hayley Williams in action?

Yeah well , thought so .

.... and then comes nostalgia

2010-08-30T18:59:00.006+08:00

Nostalgia

Tell me love, why did my name die on your lips?
Why wasn't I adequate?
Was it her twinkling eyes,
or picture perfect smile,
that took your heart away?

Took your heart away,

from me?

I wonder what happened to untouchable vows, the promises we once kept?

I wonder what would become of our favourite things and the grounds we once stepped.

I wonder how you sleep at night knowing you've put me through such level of agony.

I wonder how long I'll endure this stab before it kills me,

or inevitably scar me.

A penny for my thoughts

2010-08-28T16:47:00.002+08:00

It is just bloody difficult to walk around carrying a heart that makes you weigh ten times heavier.

Bloody difficult.

Miss Destiny's portent, perhaps?

2010-08-27T18:35:00.007+08:00

I feel good today .
& it's not just because today is a granted holiday,
and that I had a sterling 13 hour sleep,
and that I awoke to wet pavements
and the sound of the rain .

The most significant reason I feel good today

is because my repetitive dreams finally stopped.

and as I awoke at precisely 2:51pm to greet the day,

The rain started to fall at that solitary moment,
and simultaneously, my phone rang.

Guess who ?

Confined solitary

2010-08-23T14:01:00.007+08:00

Today was a dreary day of exasperation and letdowns. The inevitable I could have done better feeling lingering in everyones shadow of doubt. Each and every one of us witnessing our very own fall from grace, and that some us, a tumble from the peak to a big fat D. (No offence, am referring to myself)

I can already foresee the aftermath of my indolence retaliating.... tonight.
Ahhhh, bloody hell why did I have to be such a slacker :/ well, I guess I should just try to savour this epic moment of bombardment impatiently waiting to unravel itself. Deal with it and move on, in a cheery manner, on a positive note, but heck for the sake of it; fuck you, add maths.

Speaking of which, things have been bittersweet. I keep getting tangled up in my emotions, which for the record, is dispersed all over the place. If it isn't perceptible enough, I'm not in the best frame of mind, with the sudden tinge of grim and ecstasy, my own disposition irks me. But, I honestly can't help it. I am so weary, I can't even fake a smile. Which brings about a question,

Have you ever felt empty ?

Like there's a piece missing, somewhere out there.

Like you literally feel that empty time and space continuum slipping from your fingertips, and for a brief moment you are paralyzed, and before you know it, it all adds up to be another fruitless day.

Hmph. Everything wasted. As always.

Total brain malfunction

2010-08-20T14:31:00.008+08:00

I suppose I hold myself accountable for my meltdown the previous day.
I knew it was my responsibility, yet I was so defiant of studying.

Yes, I indulge sitting for a test without a shred of knowledge lingering in the boundaries of my memory, but it's a whole other issue when its

Additional Mathematics.

Guess everybody reaches a stage where they reach the ultimate peak

and there is no other way to go but down .

Can we stay here forever?

2010-08-18T13:46:00.010+08:00

My head keeps filling itself with whims and fancies of a romantic getaway.

I honestly ponder , why .

Time for a change

2010-08-17T14:26:00.007+08:00

It was a moment in time where I was weeping
underneath my covers on a fine Sunday morning,

Feeling the intensity of the sun
fade away, that beautiful day pass me by...
that's when I decided I've had
enough.

Having a mentality that convinces yourself that you're strong, you acknowledge your priorities, and you could never be swept away by anything that comes in your way, is sadly easier said than done. We all go through it, some sooner than others, and I suppose maybe I am just another victim of love.

I apologize for not writing a single decent post these past few weeks, I have been clearly sidetracked from everything. Though I must say, I indulge in sitting for a test without a shred of knowledge lingering in the boundaries of my memory. I suppose I have been taking my own time to accept impressionistic revelations that occured lately in silence, but some nights, I can't help but falter with sheer exasperation.

I've never felt despair first-hand, not like I have these past few weeks, and I must say, I am done pointing the finger at myself. I am done with giving you every opportunity to rob my chance of happiness.

They all say change is good.

Hello sunshine, it's a brand new day ;-)

One day I might wake up, and realize that you are not there

2010-08-16T20:45:00.008+08:00

For the first time, I feel like I'm at a lost for words

There's nothing left to do but move forward.

- Chase Coy

Trapped in time

2010-08-15T18:10:00.003+08:00

Forgive me, for my naivety, allowing myself to be trapped in time. I am trapped with the illusion that you're still you; hazel eyes, freckles, built with indefatigable love: you.

But like every illusion, they all fade to black.

I am honestly just so weary, no one can get as tired of tears as I can. I resent walking around, trying my best to not give into the film of tears that fill my eyes.

I feel so out of my comfort zone, it is no sin, craving for a sense of solace, is it?

I hate those nights I spend weeping underneath the covers, wishing things would just revert to where it used to be, a time where everything was sunshine. Where I looked upon my life with such optimism.

A time where I was ever so ready to take a leap of faith ,

but guess again, that time went ticking away.

I was stupid enough to think you gliby remarks can make up for it, but well, I was wrong. I was clearly wrong about everything I presumed for the past two years ,

Because there is always a scar left on a broken heart.

Impossible

2010-07-31T19:43:00.001+08:00

I remember silly things .

1) How you knelt down, presenting me a ring; and I made you eat my burger after that.
2) How you would finish a foot long sandwich before I finished a six inch one.
3) The look on the shop assistant's face when we try so many things but buy nothing.
4) You pushing me on the swing, like a little girl's dream boy.
5) How my feet is more than half your size.
6) That smile on your face when I was looking out the window of my study.
7) Singing Dear Juliet's Lullaby before I sleep.
8) Carrying me down like a princess when I was on that slope.
9) The touch of your arm around my waist.
10) How big you were and how small I was.
11) That tug on my hair during my birthday, that look on your face when I turned around.
12) Holding your hand when I pierced my ears.
13) How you lie down on my lap while we waited for our food to come.
14) The way we smile at each other and say nothing but at the same time say everything.
15) The way you made me feel special.
16) Your favourite cake on my birthday and my favourite cake during yours.
17) Dancing in the rain.
18) Singing like nobody was around us.
19) Marriage vows.
20) My eyeliner on your white tee shirt; I bet it leaves a stain till today.
21) The way you hugged me when I cried.
22) How we climbed up the chairs in the cinema and scream "we're king of the world!" (we had the cinema to ourselves)
23) How cute you looked in your school uniform.
24) You putting on nail polish for me :D might I say you were quite terrible. HAHA.
25) Lying down on the grass together.
26) Walking around my neighbourhood in boxers.
27) Kisses.
28) Your hazel eyes that I'm absolutely crazy about.
29) The way I could talk so much non-stop with you.
30) Waiting for you at the train station, a nervous wreck, and then you hugged me, blowing my fears away, like you always do.

And trust me I could go on with this list forever.

Tell them all I know now, shout it from the roof top, write it on the sky love, all we had is gone now. Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken, all my scars are open, tell them what I hoped would be ; impossible.

Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror

2010-07-22T19:40:00.005+08:00

You know what I don't get? Racists.

It is just atrocious, judging people from the colour of their skin. What I don't quite get is also that these people are just so darn oblivious towards their repulsive character, what I resent even more is the presumptuous behaviour certain people carry on their backs, as if being a racist is something to be proud of.

I'm not implying that I'm talking about anyone in particular, but it just drives me up the wall when I catch sight of those brazen faces that points their fingers to everyone but themselves.

I just think this so called "attempt" to unite the country is just simply going to wind up in futility if we still bred the younger generation with such a crude mentality. The cascade of unity can only be practiced under the condition that we are willing to accept one another for who they are in their hearts, instead of judging them from their exterior appearance.

I feel that the idea of unity in this multicultural country of ours is built on too flimsy of a foundation, that we are never going to come to terms with the fact big, small, dark, fair, tall, pretty, fat, thin; we are all the same.

Indeed, I believe that I should be heading off to actually make an effort for once in my life to complete that stack of homework teachers have left behind for the week instead of preaching about racism, and yes, I'm aware that this is not the most ideal issue a sixteen year old girl should touch, but hey, everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

Go google something called freedom of speech.

Run along now, pest(!)

2010-07-21T15:03:00.002+08:00

Just had to remove the Cbox,
Too many anonymous people, and dude, I can't believe I have haters?! That finds their way to my blog? Dang, now I'm inspired :)

Thanks for proving how HOT I really am! 8)

As I pick up my heart ,

2010-07-16T23:20:00.006+08:00

One fine Friday morning in Literature class, we were asked for our opinions on what we would do if we were caught in Eva Smith's (The character based on our Literature text) dilemma.

"Would you choose going to the woman's organization or take the stolen money from Eric?"
"I think I'll do both, teacher"
"Where can take both! I told you in Literature you can't pick both!"
"So you wanna have two husbands is it? One day this husband, one day that husband. You can't do that, you have to pick one right or not?"

*Ai lin and Chandini giggles and snickers behind me*

"Yes, teacher".

The irony in her words were teaching me a life lesson; and she didn't even know it, even as I stared into her judicious eyes.

A tribute ;

2010-07-15T17:59:00.012+08:00

I think that being in 4N is a blessing by itself, for it brought me closer to you. Being friends to people you never thought you would be, I think that's what the diversity in 4N represents. 3 years ago, I would have never imagined that someday I would wake up and all I want to do is have an energetic One Malaysia talk with you.

Some days with you are just, craaazy. Tolerating your *cough* horrible *cough* singing is indeed very hard, considering the fact that you hit notes only dogs can hear.

Sometimes, I think that you're just weiiiird. Not many people twits in their BOOK in SCHOOL. Not many people tears up on their day just because a certain footballer you're head over heels for had just gotten married.

That's how weiiird you are.

But there are some days, where you brighten people's days with your silly smile and puffy eye bags. Some days, your singing turns the most dreadful days into a one worth remembering. Sometimes, you're crazy shenanigans makes people like me feel like there are just some things worth living for.

The world is simply a better place with you in it.

Happy Birthday, Soh Ai Lin :)

Although there wasn't cameras, lights, glam, and all those explosive birthday parties you see sixteen year old's throw these days,

I hope we've given you a sweet sixteen you'll forever cherish.

Love ya, silly girl ♥

Manic depression

2010-07-14T19:20:00.008+08:00

There's just those nights,
where you breakdown and cry, no?

A time where everything has gone wrong, a time where you don't know what you believe in anymore, a time where you question your actions, a time when things are just so bad you feel like everything will never be the same. Some nights are just, that horrible.

Pray I heal with the passages of time.

"Everything breaks."

"Some things just hurt more than others."

- Picoult

The birth of a song, the death of a dream

2010-07-10T11:29:00.014+08:00

"We all fall short of glory, lost in ourselves" - Jared Leto

The tenth circle

2010-07-10T10:40:00.007+08:00

22 months .

Right there slammed against the front door,
Oh! A man without a heart;
Watching the death of a girl's dream
Like the beauty in a piece of art,
Sunk in bickering screams.

What happened, love?

Here we go again, it's so insane

2010-07-09T20:50:00.001+08:00

I take full responsibility for everything I did. The things I did, I know they weren't right, but people make mistakes, and some people; they don't see the bigger picture the first time around 'till it hits them right back again.

I don't regret all the things I did. I have never wished for any of my words to be taken and swallowed back into my mouth no matter how rude or how selfish it was.

Why should I dwell in the past when there's so much ahead of me?

It takes a lot of gut and courage to admit that I failed, that it was all my fault and not be ashamed of it. That it was wrong of me to use the pros and cons of distance for both of you to be caught in my swindle.

I tried ending it, that even when the damage was done, that one startling night threw all my efforts down the drain. That it was all pure fear of being abandoned again that lead me down this spiral of lies, one after another. But that's the disconcerting behaviour in me, cut me and I'd bleed insecurity.

Truthfully, what you said yesterday was an uncalled armageddon to me. It tore my gut out, I felt my heart flailing; lying flat and empty on the floor - weary of countless trials and adversity my actions has put it up to. Thing is, the heart can only take so much now, can it? The downside of it all is that I feel you are completely justified. Now, the time has come for me to face the music.

One thing's for sure, the next time I see you; I won't even be able to look at you.

And being ~~friends~~ ?

Totally out of the question.

The pain of betrayal

2010-07-01T22:23:00.003+08:00

I ask for nothing,
But the sight of thy hazel eyes in spring,
The warmth of thy porcelain skin.

But the tables turned and thou finally a foe,
Every good intention left frivolous on the floor.
As thou watched as I flounder in thy admirable plight,
Flamed and withered against dreamless nights.

As swift as a robin's song,
I say, how long was I wrong?

How long was I wrong ?

Missing in action

2010-06-27T16:15:00.006+08:00

I have so many things to say, yet not much words to describe it.

Hi,

I'll start by saying A LOT have gone wrong, that my computer broke down and I'm dead afraid all those documents perish along with it, that I now come from a broken home, that our relationship might never be as good as it was, that apart of me will always be longing for your abiding love you are now incapable to give.

That now I could consider myself to be an anti-social, maybe that would explain those waves from unfamiliar faces and smiles flashed from strangers. Maybe that would explain why faces are smudged and names are tangled, that I have become so detached to everyone; maybe this would give me a piece of mind of why all I can offer is a vague impression.

I bet I annoy people.

Don't you just resent those people you've seen a gazillion times, but they still wear a bewildered look, still not remembering you by name, but even worse: not even recognize you?

Yeap, bet I annoy everyone.

I haven't even started on your pure heart and attention, how you give me the time of day, that moment that I feel I am actually worth something, that moment I finally feel good in my own skin.

It's unfair. And brutal.

It isn't supposed to be you , it isn't supposed to be you.

And my week ended by knowing I was one mark away from straight A's for my Midterm exam. BLERRRRRRRRRRGH.

First-rate feat (Y)

2010-06-18T14:10:00.006+08:00

Victory in the air was almost tangible for Spain, and whadya know?
The Swiss comes scoring in a goal ! Rad ! :)
Although it was all pure luck, and I bid on Spain that night,
I still think it's pretty awesome how they had an opportunity to make other people's jaw drop. Best feeling in the world, I say.

Everything prevailed of course when Argentina came on the field last night , I knew them boys wouldn't be a letdown. An absolute sterling performance by Higuain firing in the first hat-trick of this World Cup :D No need to mention, I presume Teves & Messi were at their best last night. Although there were screams in my household (The rest of my siblings was in it for Korea, with me being the "traitor of the continent" and all), I was pretty content, you can't fight the fact that;

That's how a World Cup match should be!

And ignore the fact how odd it is for me to be so hooked on something like football -.-'

With love ♥

Things that make me happy

2010-06-14T16:02:00.015+08:00

Half-past guilt

2010-06-12T17:22:00.007+08:00

There is a perceptibly precise time in a day where I act on my subconscious feelings. It is a moment where my mind is adrift, and all that I know is wrong appear to be smoke and mirrors. It is a time where all the strength I had gathered from my past becomes feeble, a time where the ice around my heart melts, a time where I become vulnerable enough to let my guards down. It is, at that very precise moment, that I am bound to make a mistake.

Truth is; behind my mask of strength is a sense of fragility. A need to be nurtured and cherished, alike others. The life of the prestigious, the smug smirks they throw, the sight of envy through the windows of their souls, the lust in a lover's touch, the greed in an ominous acquaintance, the wrath of the hand that feeds you - they mean nothing to me.

Yet, I succumb to my weak points due to my youth.

I should be stronger, I know.
But I just can't help it.

P/s: I'm eternally sorry. You don't know the damage I can bring, yet.

My apology

2010-06-10T15:53:00.009+08:00

Dear everyone,

I'm sorry I didn't know this would hurt so bad. I'm sorry I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry I didn't know this would damage myself. I'm sorry I met him before you. I'm sorry last Saturday played out like it did. I'm sorry everything is complicated. I'm sorry that's just how things happen around me. I'm sorry I didn't know what I did. I'm sorry I was never good enough for you. I'm sorry I don't want to live out your dreams. I'm sorry that my well-being kills you. I'm sorry I was being impertinent today. I'm sorry I broke out of my shell.

I'm sorry I was a no-show today. I'm sorry I chose him. I'm sorry I push you to tell me what I did. I'm sorry I'm breaking down. I'm sorry I care. I'm sorry I didn't mean to be selfish. I'm sorry that I loved your presence. I'm sorry that I made you fall for me. I'm sorry for not doing this sooner. I'm sorry for letting things get out of hand. I'm sorry I just can't be what you expect me to be. I'm sorry because I didn't know that "when you pick one, you lose one". I'm sorry now that everything has fallen apart, all I can offer is this sappy apology.

Sincerely,
Me.

A tantalizing affair, love is.

2010-06-09T01:02:00.002+08:00

I had always thought about the decision I'd make when it narrows down to this. Would I annihilate the past two years to oblivion to let a more warm person take your place, or would I attempt to patch up the bits and pieces that still remain?

Boy do I have questions with no answers. I wish there was a guidebook for life yknow, that stated what's right and what's not, what decisions I should make, maybe it would prevent me from making foolish mistakes. But I guess that's whats life's about, no? Learning from all those mistakes is the key. Which is why we should never turn a deaf ear to the old, for they too have their say.

So I learnt in Literature class last Monday, that to love a person does not mean to like the person. There is a thick line that separates love from like. To love does not mean to be able to live with one, to love does not mean that the road would steer clear. Then I realize,

I had never liked you. As a matter of fact, I still don't.

It doesn't matter how long you've know the person, there have been people who have been together for decades and divorce after several months, and there have been people who have been acquaintances for a mere one month and strive 'till the very end.

(I know, it's amazing what I learn in Literature class, I can never look at the world the same again.)

You know what the funny part is? That no matter how I choose to ignore all the warning bells that the end is near, no matter how much I placidly move on with life like all is good, no matter how much you refuse my affection and test my intolerance,

That if you ever abandon me, I'd be damned.

In the words of Miss Monroe

2010-06-06T15:01:00.006+08:00

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

You're selfish, you're negligent, you're inattentive, you're rude, you're impertinent, you're inconsiderate, you're insensitive, you're unsympathetic, you lie, you scream, you cheat, you break my heart every single day in cold blood; without a hint of mercy.

You're turning into me.

I know I was never the best I could be, this hurts me so much but I'll hold on, just like you did. I know I say this a lot, although you don't buy it but - I understand. I'm getting what I deserve. This is just karma. It hurts, but I know you went through this terrible phase too. You were strong, and I'm not. Nevertheless, it still takes two to tango.

Alike Marilyn's words, you handled me so well at my worst. You have the patience of a mother in labour, I tell you. I can close my eyes and say you of all people definitely deserve me at my best.

Right now, you're at your worst. This is my share of injustice, and I'm gonna take it like I have the wits of a man. I shall tolerate all this nonsense and fight the flaws of my imbecile ego because I have to gain the rights to deserve you at your best.

It's my turn to salvage this relationship.

x

"Secrets"

2010-06-03T15:29:00.007+08:00

I want to know what lay beneath the fragile layers of your skin, what comes across your mind when you think of sin? What do you keep in the corner of your heart, well veiled behind the person that illuminated your dark?

I want to know what you think defines you, the reason you live, the melody you sway to. I want to know what is the agenda you hide, what is the reason concealed behind your pride.

I want to know if you have been hurt so bad and nobody ever bothered to mend your heart. I want to know if you have ever felt betrayed by the prevarication the world can give, in the hands of a lover, by the toungue of a friend.

I want to know if you have ever tried so hard but everything ended with futility. I want to know if you can make it through combats, fights, misfortune in anguish till your last breath.

I want to know if you can ever be in a position where you would be regarded as selfless. I want to know if you're willing to sacrifice. I want to know what you have done with your life.